


love loop

by gly13



Category: GOT7
Genre: Ambiguous?, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, fake deep, kim yugyeom really loves bambam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 03:03:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20146546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gly13/pseuds/gly13
Summary: If love is a loop, then Yugyeom's glad his winds around Bambam.





	love loop

**Author's Note:**

> yugbam have the literal cutest friendship and love loop is an experience and so somehow this was born? i dont really have another explanation for this
> 
> this fic is dedicated to jaebeom's high note in love loop
> 
> please enjoy x

It’s been too long, Yugyeom thinks.

Life is too short for the pauses between their meetings to stretch as long as they do, but life does not care about their romance.

For Yugyeom, life is what happens between the moments they are together. It’s the waiting period, the countdown until he can see Bambam. Life is university and his friends and going to clubs and watching TV. But life does not include Bambam.

Life is nice. He loves life because he’s always been that kind of person. The kind of person to delight in even the mediocre. Though he doesn’t really have much of a choice when everything is mediocre compared to Bambam.

Bambam’s life is far from Yugyeom’s, but they’re so tightly entwined with each other that Yugyeom doesn’t mind.

How can he mind, when his number is the first thing Bambam presses as soon as his flight hits the tarmac? How can he mind, when Bambam knows what he’s going to say without him having to say it? How can he mind, when he, alone, is privy to Bambam’s hushed confessions across a dodgy Skype connection at four in the morning?

How can he mind, when Bambam is as in love with Yugyeom as Yugyeom is in love with him?

Bambam’s life is exciting.

He spends time in one country and poses for photos and signs autographs and appears on chat shows and then flies off to repeat it all again. His life is erratic, thrilling. And Bambam thrives in it.

Bambam feels adrenaline from every Instagram comment he receives and recharges on aeroplanes like they were his own home. He lives life like he’s constantly on a runway and never shies away from a camera.

Yugyeom would find it exhausting; Bambam finds it invigorating.

Bambam would find Yugyeom’s life dull but he’ll listen to Yugyeom talk about his day as though it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever heard. And Yugyeom has Bambam’s calendar synced to his own so he never misses a schedule, never forgets to send a message for good luck.

He supposes that’s what love does to you.

**___**

It’s raining in Seoul.

It’s raining and Yugyeom’s sat in a café nursing a cup of hot chocolate and watching raindrops bounce off of colourful umbrellas.

The café is loud around him, full with people waiting out the storm in the same way he is. His hair is damp and drying but slowly. It’s too long at the moment.

He fumbles with his phone for a moment, pulling up his camera. He holds it up, pointing it at the window and marvelling for a second at the way the raindrops linger on the surface, like beads of glass. He takes a photo and opens his gallery to look at it.

It’s pretty.

Street lights and car lights reflect off of puddles on the pavement to create blurry pools of luminance. Bambam bought him the phone, so the camera’s good enough to capture the beauty of the mundane in a rainy Seoul. No one’s face is visible, all either obscured by a hood or looking down, hair cascading in their face. Rain offers that: an anonymity, a cover.

He flicks absentmindedly through filters before deciding against one. It’s enough on its own.

He pulls up his chat with Bambam and is about to attach the photo when his phone buzzes in his hand with a notification.

**From: Bammie <3 [22:39]**

did you remember an umbrella??

Yugyeom laughs lightly, and the sound is swallowed by the noise around him. Bambam’s added too many umbrella emojis. 

He sends back his photo, and then adds another one of his hot chocolate. His marshmallows are bloated and sinking into the whipped cream but he doesn’t mind. He doesn’t turn his attention away from his phone.

**From: Bammie <3 [22:41]**

idiot

**From: Bammie <3 [22:41]**

dont get sick :(((

Yugyeom laughs again, thinks of Bambam pouting all across the world in LA.

**From: Bammie <3 [22:43]**

the rain looks pretty

It’s sunny in LA.

**___**

Reality is subjective. It slips in and out of the realms of the possible with frightening speed. Bright colours that don't match the mundanity of everyday life. Dreams too real to not come true.

Reality is a loose definition for what we know and dreams are a loose definition for what we wish we could know.

It can be difficult to tell which way is up, when loneliness and love meld into one. But a circle has no right way up. It has a center, though. And maybe that's even better.

Reality is Bambam a million miles away but reality is also Bambam close to him no matter what. Dreams are not having to see his boyfriend through a screen but dreams are also Bambam being the biggest star and people everywhere knowing his name.

People say that dreams are folly for the empty mind but Yugyeom disagrees.

Dreams are as real as the stars and just as deceitful, but real nonetheless.

Bambam, to an extent, is a dream. In the way that, for all he knows about him, Yugyeom could never hope to truly understand him. For Bambam is different to Yugyeom in all the most obvious ways.

Where Yugyeom is reserved in the face of new people, Bambam is loud and energetic. Where Yugyeom stumbles over his words and thinks carefully on each one, Bambam says what’s on his mind and is wholly unapologetic about it.

And maybe there’s something poetic to be said about that balance but Yugyeom doesn’t think too much into it. They fit each other. Perfectly. And maybe he doesn’t understand how but he doesn’t need to. Not when they just  _ work _ .

Bambam is a dream, but he’s also so firmly rooted in Yugyeom’s reality. Maybe there’s something to be said for surrendering yourself to ignorance and not chasing after knowledge in futility. Bambam is a mystery but he’s so familiar. Bambam is a mess of perfectly balanced contradictions and each part of his personality seems to be the antithesis to another and the only way to truly describe it is: Bambam. A dream and, thankfully, a reality.

**___**

It’s nine in the morning and Yugyeom only went to bed six hours ago, but he’s awake and opening his laptop through a yawn. He pulls up an email from Bambam and clicks on the link in it. He’s brought to a website with some flashy logo at the top of the page and a video window displaying the words  _ the broadcast will begin in a moment _ .

There are comments running quickly through the chat to the side but Yugyeom, with sleep still clinging to his mind, doesn’t think he’d be able to process his own language, let alone try to decipher the array on his screen.

He scrolls aimlessly through Twitter for a moment. It’s mostly photos of Bambam at JFK and Yugyeom can’t help the smile that stretches on his face despite the protests of his tired muscles.

He dyed his hair a day ago, had been wanting to for a while, but wanted to keep it a secret from the fans until tonight. So, in all the photos, his hood is pulled up fully over his head to cover the baseball cap already covering his hair. His eyes are tinted with a light gold from a palette from a sponsor. 

Bambam had sent him a photo of his hair the moment it had been unveiled to him at the salon.

When a photo’s taken from the right angle, Yugyeom can make out the silver star that dangles from his ear. That warrants another, smaller, secret, smile. Yugyeom’s fingers come up automatically to play with the matching charm on his own earring.

Crackling voices breaking through the silence of his room startle him out of his reverie and he locks his phone, dropping it unceremoniously back on his bed.

The video’s come to life with a low-quality live stream of some American reporter giving live coverage of the red carpet.

Yugyeom fishes about his duvet for his phone again, sending off a quick message.

**To: Bammie <3 [09:07]**

cant wait to see you <33

It marks as read but he doesn’t get a response which is fine, because he didn’t expect to. He’s too busy grinning at the screen, apprehension flooding through him as though he’s there in person and not on the other side of the world watching through a laptop.

Even pixelated and laggy, Bambam is stunning.

His new white hair is styled up and away from his face. His new, bespoke, black Chanel suit accentuates his proportions and makes his legs look even longer than they actually are. His waist is accented by a belt with a glittery buckle and Yugyeom’s struck by the urge to wraps his arms around it. His make-up is quite light, by Bambam’s standards, at least, and it makes his face look angular and sharp.

He’s gorgeous. He looks like a completely different person to the one he’d been in the selfie he’d sent Yugyeom, where his face had been round with a grin.

Pride ripples through him but it quickly morphs into something ugly at the woman attached to Bambam’s arm.

_ It’s just for publicity, it’s just for publicity _ , he chants to himself.  _ She has as little interest in Bambam as he has in her. It’s just for the cameras. _ But jealousy is a hard emotion to control, especially when he hasn’t seen his boyfriend in person in so so long and the media is always trying to push some heteronormative romance onto Bambam’s image.

Whether it’s speculating about the relationship between him and every woman he even looks at or it’s speculating about his sexuality as though they deserve an explanation about it and pushing attempts at derogatory feminisations onto Bambam, it’s irritating. Bambam doesn’t deserve it.

But then Bambam’s smiling at the camera and answering the interviewer’s question in English and Yugyeom gets distracted. And his worries are forgotten because loving Bambam is really that easy.

**___**

People talk a lot about loving someone so much it hurts but Yugyeom can't understand that. For a brief moment, when he was young and insecure and scared, he feared it was because his love for Bambam wasn't sincere enough, and that's why it didn't match up to those depictions of love he read about.

He's not scared now.

He could never imagine loving Bambam hurting him. Because the distance hurts him, and the time without him hurts him, but his love for Bambam itself never could.

Love for Bambam is security. It's bliss. It's the furthest thing from pain in the world.

And, sure, love can be difficult and complicated but he doesn’t think it could ever be painful. Love is healing, if anything. Love is what pushes him from one day to the next. And love might make him worry but it also makes him happy and giddy and worry isn’t painful when it comes from a place of affection.

Or, maybe it’s just Bambam. Bambam is carefree in his attitude to everything and it wouldn’t surprise Yugyeom if it had spread to him.

**___**

It’s not a good day.

Not for any particular reason, he just woke up in a bad mood. At least, there was no reason until the bad mood spread like a diseased cobweb into everything he did.

And he messed up his choreography at his dance club, and his professor yelled at him for not knowing something he should have. It’s one of those days when life is hanging like a weight from each of his limbs and it’s an effort to smile when his lips are heavy on his face. But Yugyeom prides himself on being positive, so he pushes past it and spends the day with a solidly fake smile on his face, pushing past the mental effort so as to not drag his friends into his problems.

They’re taking a break from dancing, and Jungkook snaps a picture of the group of them, sweaty but still smiling, collapsed on the dance room’s floor and posts it on his story.

Fifteen minutes later, Yugyeom’s phone dings from where it’s in his bag and someone throws it to him so that it lands on his stomach.

**From: Bammie <3 [17:23]**

you feeling okay gyeomie? :*

Of course he knew, Yugyeom thinks. Of course he knew from a single photo that he probably only saw for a second as he scrolled through Snapchat on his break. If anyone could, it would be Bambam.

“Who is it?” Someone asks and the others snicker but Yugyeom can’t even whine when the smile on his face keeps growing.

“Who do you think? His soulmate of course.”

Yugyeom smiles again, but it’s a private one this time. A private smile at an inside joke only one person would understand.

**___**

Soulmates are a peculiar concept. The idea that some god or the universe cares so much about each individual person that they designate everyone a partner. The idea that you’re not a whole person without someone else. It’s strange.

He laughs at the idea of soulmates. Because the myth of soulmates is just that: a myth. He laughs even harder when people call him and Bambam soulmates because they're not. 

What's between him and Bambam, it's not destiny; it's more than that. It's not fate; it's stronger.

It's love.

And they don't owe anything to any gods or the universe for that.

**___**

Bambam is in Korea once in a blue moon. His work takes him all over the world, but he’s in Korea so rarely anymore. Part of Yugyeom is bitter. Because Korea is where Bambam started his career but that’s the part of him that selfishly craves Bambam’s sole attention so he ignores it the best he can.

Yugyeom’s life is static in Korea. His life exists in a small radius and he only ever leaves during his university breaks. And even then, that’s only if he doesn’t pick up a holiday job.

Bambam’s in Korea for half an hour, for a change-over flight to Kyoto. He’s going to be so close ‒ a two-hour drive at most ‒ and Yugyeom won’t be able to see him. Not when he’s got an exam an hour and a half after Bambam touches down. He wanted to go to see him, wanted to say fuck his exam and enjoy the brief moments he can spend in his boyfriend’s arms, but Bambam told him not to. Bambam told him to prioritise his education and lord help him if he’s not weak to anything and everything Bambam asks of him.

**___**

Love ‒ well, not all love, but their love ‒ is a loop. An endless circle. A singularity. 

He cannot recall a start and he can't fathom an end. Loving Bambam is so natural, another element native to earth, something decided on upon creation. When everything in life is uncertain, chance, and variable, loving Bambam is a constant.

Loving Bambam is exponential ‒ it doesn't cross a line to mark as its 'beginning', there's no origin from which it stems. It simply exists in its entirety. It expands and expands and increases and grows and it has no limits.

If love is a loop, then Yugyeom's happily trapped in a cycle. If love is a loop, then Yugyeom will gladly go around in circles if it means being able to continue loving Bambam.

If love is a loop, then Yugyeom's glad his winds around Bambam.

**___**

But Yugyeom is selfish. He has desires and wants and his love for Bambam triumphs rational thought and exams. And soon enough he’s in his car, with barely the presence of mind to grab a jacket before he’s racing through traffic.

He reaches the airport and a cursory glance at the departure board tells him Bambam hasn’t started boarding yet. But his time frame is uncertain.

Panic settles in over him and he worries that his journey may have been in vain but then he hears screaming and a childish grin is breaking out on his face. It sounds far away, but he doesn’t have long legs for nothing.

His feet push against the ground with too much force as he tears through the airport. His blood is thick in his veins, pulsating through him. He’s chasing the sounds like a mad-man and it’s exhilarating because he knows who’s waiting for him at the end of it all.

Because love is a loop and his will always lead him back to Bambam.

He sees the crowd. Sees the phones and bodyguards and knows he’s closer now than he’s been in months. And then he’s running and running and running and regret doesn’t cross his mind for even a moment.

**___**

Love ‒ and especially love for someone like Bambam ‒ is a lot like a freefall. A plunge into darkness that continues and continues and continues. There's not a bottom; it's not a pit. It's just a dive into darkness.

But the darkness isn't scary at all. It's warm. And after an eternity that only feels like a moment, the blackness gives way to something bright. A euphony of pinks like Bambam's hair was when they first met, and reds like his favourite eyeshadow palette, and blues like those contacts he always wears. Because love ‒ especially love for Bambam ‒ is everything but feels like it's nothing. It's a push to a fall but it's also not wanting to be caught. It's enjoying the plummet, however long or short it may be. It's being entranced by everything he sees on the way down and wishing it would last forever.

He doesn’t need to understand it to love it.

**___**

He pushes his way through the crowd, his height allowing him to tower above everyone else.

And when he finally sees Bambam, sees his lower face hidden behind a mask and his eyelids tinted with red, the screams fall deaf on his ears and Yugyeom is filled with a wonder so foreignly familiar. And it clenches his heart with a grip like fire and refuses to let go and Yugyeom doesn’t want it to.

Because it’s him. After months, it’s him.

And, in a bout of stupidity, because love makes you stupid and love for Bambam makes you even more so, he lunges forward.

He throws his arms around Bambam and the world clicks into its rightful place. His grip is tight and he pulls Bambam flush against his chest knowing that they’ll fit perfectly. Because love is a freefall and a loop and a singularity all at once and he’s never felt the words feel so true as he does in this moment.

Love is home and love is Bambam. Love is soaring through a galaxy of mysteries and not caring if he can’t figure it out because Bambam is by his side and that’s all that matter.

“Yugyeom?” Bambam’s voice is higher than normal, and he’s slightly off his balance.

“Bambam,” Yugyeom whispers, only for him. Always for him.

And just for those few seconds, held tightly in Bambam’s arms, everything is worth it.

  
  


But then Bambam has to board his flight and Yugyeom has to race back to his university. But those few minutes they got to spend in each other’s embrace are fresh in his mind, imprinted there. The day is easier with the memory of Bambam still new. The day is easier when he can still feel Bambam’s arms around him.

**___**

Life continues. Life builds around the moments Yugyeom has with Bambam. Life is what happens when Bambam isn't there.

Because, when Bambam is there, there's no time for anything but love.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> lol trust me im just as confused as you -- i finished writing this at like 6am so im really not sure what this is but i wrote it anyway ummmmm 
> 
> if you made it all this way, thank you so much <3  
if you enjoyed it, please leave kudos and comments they really make my day
> 
> come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/whatisanult) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/whatisanult)  
thank you again for reading <333


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